guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
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