even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
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If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
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I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
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