I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
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