i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Is Oprah even human
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
