Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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