hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
