I'm pants shitting drunk right now
You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Randomize
