i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
