do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
Randomize
