ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize
