Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize