i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Randomize
