I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
