just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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