My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I am midnight drunk by noon
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize