That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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