The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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