The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
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