my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
