i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Your penis caused this!
Randomize
