I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
