Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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