Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
