I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
hdsncx Gizmo asnqw toilet blanasdi
ok, stay where you are, be there soon
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
