OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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