Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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