She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
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