CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
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