barbara walters just said penis...
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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