The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
