I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
