I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I need a burrito and a hug.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
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