dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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