You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
You've changed since you got that strap on
Randomize
