Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Randomize
