I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
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