She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
