I hope mine doesn't look like that
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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