he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
