Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
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