please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Randomize
