good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
lets start a swedish sibling band together
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
