this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
