i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
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