if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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