Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
