I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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