True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
