I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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