Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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