hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
