apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
