I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
