Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
