So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
