you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
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Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
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Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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