Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Randomize
