Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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