My boss' voice literally gives me gas
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
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