I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Randomize
